Home Trends Ask Amy: How can I become free of my pornography habit?

Ask Amy: How can I become free of my pornography habit?

by smart

hey there welcome back to ask amy i have a question today from atool i hope that i hope i’m saying your name correctly he says there are so many things that i want to do in life i have brilliant ideas big visions and good plans but everything gets left behind because of my pornography habit this behavior creates so much shame and anxiety within me i’ve tried to let the shame be my motivator to quit but that hasn’t worked please help so um tool thank you for sending your question i’m sorry you’re going through this and i know i shared with you um when i saw your question i shared with you a link to a webinar that i did about overing habits meaning overeating over drinking any kind of behavioral habits fall in this kind of category i guess and all habits are the same all addiction is the same at the root of it there’s there’s different ways that this stuff shows up but the ways it shows up that’s what our eyes focus on we think like oh my gosh i have a pornography addiction or a food addiction or an alcohol addiction we tend to focus on the surface level ways that things show up but those could be anything i mean that is so inherently unimportant it’s so inherently impersonal so i want you to start to get a feel for how all habits are the same and so uh i shared that webinar i’m gonna share the link here in the comments and for everyone just to begin to get a feel for this and and the webinars on overing habits versus other habits not because they’re different just because of the examples that are used and the stories that are told but to to really kind of get a feel for how all habits are the same to insightfully see why we get caught up in this stuff that it isn’t personal that it’s not about you this habit doesn’t say any habit doesn’t say anything about any of us that as human beings we feel discomfort at times and when we feel that we want it gone we it is so against our nature discomfort you know it’s a paradox i mean humans feel a lot of discomfort in life and we know that’s not us we know that is not the truth of it that is not who we are that is not what we’re meant to just hang out in so when we feel discomfort it so strongly goes against our nature our fundamental nature as human beings that we we misunderstand it and we become afraid of our feelings and we get caught up and and and then we do something to try to help us feel better now i’m speaking very broadly and generally but this is kind of what’s behind all habits we we feel something we don’t like and we do something to try to make it go away to try to get ourselves closer to home what we choose could be anything it’s not like we sit down and consciously choose it but what helps us feel better could be anything could be pornography it could be anything at all what matters and why this has become a habit why things become habits for us is that you know we feel better for a minute we we start to associate our minds start to associate this behavior or this substance or whatever it might be with a little bit less thinking with a little bit less being caught up in our experience we get distracted from our own busy mind and we feel a little bit better and our brain remembers that so a tool what i want you to see and everyone listening who has this habit or any habit you mentioned that you feel a lot of shame and anxiety and that it kind of looks like shame might help motivate you to stop this like like this is so wrong and i can’t believe i do it and look at all the things i’m not doing in life because of this habit and that that seems like it could be motivating and i get it that it seems like it could on the surface but i almost never ever ever see it really work that way because here’s the thing shame is natural it’s so human it’s so normal but it’s it’s built in a misunderstanding it’s built into a misunderstanding it’s shame feeling like we’re doing something wrong or we’re wrong it’s rooted in a misunderstanding about our behavior so when it looks to you like this habit says something about you when it looks to you like it’s personal when it looks to you like you have a lot of other options you could just choose something else to do with your time any of those things when those things look true we feel shame does that make sense like it shame is coming from this looking like a personal thing that you have some choice in i don’t see it that way at all and i want you to consider that maybe it’s not that way maybe this habit is not personal maybe it says absolutely nothing about you and again any habit any addiction maybe it doesn’t say anything about you it doesn’t mean you’re a weak person a flawed person that you like what you’re doing more than you like being in life it doesn’t mean anything just what if what if it doesn’t mean anything about you what if you are always doing the best you can see to do from the thinking you’re in so it’s not like you can just go choose something else i tried that for years i know everyone who’s had a habit or addiction has tried that well let me just make a different choice let me just make a different decision i’m just going to not do it anymore i mean it just doesn’t work that way because we’re making a decision through a bunch of misunderstanding with our mind you know this all this thinking is making feeling like it’s making the decision but we don’t see clearly so so we can say all day oh i should i know better i don’t want to do this anymore i’m going to make a different choice but when it comes down to it when our experience still looks really real and heavy and personal we don’t really get to just pluck a different decision out of thin air and do that one instead it just doesn’t work that way life would be very much easier very different for all of us if it worked that way it truly doesn’t so what i want you to start to see and that’s why i shared the webinar and i’m going to share a little bit of it here like what i really want you to start to see is that this has nothing to do with you that when we feel discomfort we just reach for something that our brain tells us is going to help us feel better it doesn’t matter if we know better it doesn’t matter if it only helps us feel better for a minute and then we feel worse that’s all habits and addictions but we we just get this mechanical thing going that’s why we call it a habit right it’s just this mechanical process that goes where you feel something maybe just even the urge your brain says okay here’s the way to fix this feeling go watch some porn you feel a little bit better for a minute that just reinforces something in your brain so it you mechanically you’re you’re a machine just like all of us so this is just a mechanical process that’s happening and again same no matter what your habit is go buy something go work go watch some netflix go eat drink do drugs it’s all the same in this way it is not personal so we get caught up in the machinery and this process that’s playing out that’s just a habitual habit of a machine brain and we start to think it means something about us and we start to feel worse and we start to do it more because we feel worse you know and you can kind of see that cycle so it’s so important to begin to see what’s really going on here that this is not you you aren’t choosing this you don’t necessarily want that like none of that all that theory that everyone in the world kind of tells us because it’s just the the best we’ve seen about all of this it’s not accurate start to see this as an impersonal mechanical process that actually makes perfect sense when we see it for what it is it is something that in the past has has distracted you from a busy mind from a some from some uncomfortable feeling it’s distracted you from that and that starts to feel really really good and your brain starts to say i need more of that in order to feel okay so what this all kind of comes back to as you get a feel for where this is coming from and why this habit’s there and you start to see deeply insightfully see for yourself that it’s not personal and it’s not a matter of choice and all of that stuff you start to see wow this is just a process playing out and it’s not anything like i thought it was you won’t feel more shame because it’s not motivating anyway you’ll feel less shame you’ll start to have some understanding and some compassion for yourself and that is what makes room for you to see things in a brand new way it isn’t about just reaching out and changing a behavior again if we could all do that man things would be super simple it’s about seeing this in a different way from the inside out like really seeing that that this doesn’t mean what you think it means and ultimately what it’s coming back down to is that when there’s some discomfort there and your brain says as all brains say i don’t like this feeling i need to do something and your brain has a great solution for you that’s your habit when that discomfort’s there that discomfort is also not as it appears so we get caught up in in these shortcuts you know we don’t feel well our mind says oh i have the solution before you know it you’re you’re long into your habit that’s all of us with any habit but but when it’s up at that generalized level when it’s up at that shortcut level where we just find ourselves doing it or we just don’t feel good and we say i know what i need like that’s showing us where our mind is with it that it’s it’s it’s very conceptual as our mind starts to settle down as we insightfully see why why this is happening and the benefits of it like the intelligence behind it all of that how innocent and impersonal it is it’s almost like like our mind just quiets down and we get to see it in a new way this is where you’ll the idea to watch porn will pop up and you’ll see it with fresh eyes you’ll see oh i don’t have to do that or some discomfort will show up an urge or anything some resentment some fear something that might have you run to your habit in the past to not feel you’ll find yourself with a bigger capacity to feel stuff so this is a lot i’m kind of giving a overview a primer of all habits all addictions in 10 minutes so i really want you to explore this a little more deeply watch that free webinar that i’m going to share and for you or anyone that’s really struggling with a habit or addiction the little school a big change is is like the thing that has helped when nothing else did for so many people it’s why i created it this understanding helped was the thing to finally help when i had tried everything and thousands of people have have said the same as they’ve gone through this school and explored this you will come out seeing yourself your habit your addiction in a completely different way and that’s what makes room for it to change not jumping in with willpower and just doing something different we need to see the illusion for what it is see it all in a different way and and then rather than our mind just jump into this behavioral solution it’s like your experience gets a little more fluid it’s a little more fuzzy and crystallized and you can have new experience of the same stuff that’s where real change comes from so i’m gonna put the link to the little school big change here as well our next class starts in about five weeks five or six weeks on august 30th and i only lead that twice a year it’s a great place to be if you’re struggling with anything like this you will see so much and the whole paradigm for how you think your habit works and how you think you work will be completely flipped on its head so thank you so much atul for sending your question um i’ll share some links and some additional resources here but i hope that this started to give you a little feel for the fact that for all of us whatever our habit or addiction is how it looks in our head is not how it is and all it takes is a little bit of openness and curiosity to kind of seeing the underside like seeing the the flip side of things and suddenly it starts to make sense you see the intelligence in it you see how impersonal it is and that’s when when stuff really starts to change so there’s so much hope thank you for listening thanks for sending your question and i’ll see you guys back here next week thanks everyone


rn
Ask Amy: How can I become free of my pornography habit?
rn

Related Posts

Leave a Comment